How to be a successful film director in India.

 

1. Have prior contacts to powerful people in the industry and if not try to develop and nurture contacts with powerful people in the industry. You can accomplish this by doing just anything they say and acknowledging anything they say and do.

2. Don’t hurt the egos and pride of big faces because without the presence of huge faces you cannot be a successful director in the country.

3. You want to join the 100 cr club and that would only be possible if you win the majority. The essential elements to win the majority are incorporating these factors in your script:

• Protagonist should have at least 6 pacs.
• At least one shot of him in the movie or a song where he is in fancy car and a girl beside him
• Should never choose to speak in English and if possible should never go to reputed educational institutions (the kind of college in “student of the year” does not even vaguely exist in any part of the world).
• Should be a party freak and someone who loves to dance for absolutely no reason at all.
• Should be able to forget all his duties and responsibilities he owes to the world and disguise it under the reason of emotional trauma when deprived of lady love.
• Give a reason to engage in reclusive violence justified from the death of a loved one

 

• LAST AND MOST IMPORTANT:

      Have at least one item song no matter how irrelevant it might be to the script.

 

The do nots of a successful Director:

• Don’t invest in heavy cinematography and film processing as you might be inspired from the works of Nolan or Allejandro G. Innaritu. That’s a sheer waste. Invest all your money only on the cast.

 

• Never hire composers like Hans Zimmer or Yann Teirsen who compose only background music with respect to a script. Rather hire music composers and lyrists who can write songs regardless of the script even if they don’t compose background music. You can play previously used background scores of other movie because no one notices it really.

 

• Never write an original story of original people with sad endings which might make the audience feel guilty. The audience can never take blame and never feel guilty for anything.

 

• Never choose to make a movie without a love story. I know Hollywood made some great movies without even the presence of a female lead (the good the bad and the ugly, reservoir dogs, usual suspects, The Shawshank redemption, Snatch etc etc), but in here female lead is the investment that ensures the investment of the male lead into success.

 

• Choose effective promotional methods instead of trailers by reaching out on tv shows especially Comedy Nights with Kapil.